Lately, I’ve had a hard time writing. I think it’s due to a few factors.
One: shame. I have that negative ugly tape that plays over and over when I mess up. It tells me that I’m not worthy. It tells me that I’ll never get it together. It tells me that I need to stay stuck and hide in shame because it’s just that bad. So when I don’t make time to write – I feel ashamed and I hide. I hear that voice that no one reads this. I long to stay hidden forever and just disappear.
Two: kids. Mine, specifically. We’re in that season where often I’m so worn out at the end of the day, I just want to lay down. My brain feels like mush and I’m lucky if I remember to move the things that had been in the washer over to the dryer. (This is known to happen when you take all three kids who are 7 and under to pick up your dog at the groomer and watch the oldest 2 try to walk him back to your house while you push your crying toddler who is not himself due to the fact that he woke up 4 TIMES the night before.)
The other? Some big things that I haven’t known how to share. Or I’m afraid to share. Not sure which one. So here they are in a small list: almost a year ago we were foreclosed upon and it still hurts, once upon a time we were $20,000 in debt and the story of how I found out and the story of all that changed is equal parts beautiful and hard, and sometimes I get scared that because of the mistakes we’ve made, we’re ruined forever. Now you know. It’s out there. So one day I’ll find words and I’ll share the stories. Now I don’t have to think about your reactions and how to tell it well – because – well…it’s out there.
This morning I was taking some time to write our my conversation and thoughts with God. I was writing about all these fears I have. About how I’m so scared that since we’ve been screw ups in many ways, some due to our own choices and some due to unexpected life happenings, that we are forever doomed by the choices we’ve made.
And then I realized – that’s not the Gospel. (The Gospel would be one of those church terms talking about the good news of Jesus. That everything changed when Jesus rose again.) The Gospel lets us know that God is for us in the midst of our bad choices and our ugliness. He doesn’t forever chain us to the mistakes we’ve made – He breaks those chains.
That’s not completely our story yet. But this morning I prayed it would be. That God would write the Gospel, the Good News, into all of our story. That we wouldn’t be forever struggling. That distrust in our lives would be dispelled. That brokenness would be healed and made into a beautiful mosaic more stunning than the original.
For now, I leave you into a glimpse of some of the beauty of my life. These pictures ground me. They remind me. They help me SEE again. Real life. I look at these sometimes and I can see how BEAUTIFUL it really is.