I can’t do this.
I just can’t.
I’m in over my head.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Re-branding, moving, 3 kids,
having no making new friends, sorting out life after Lyme disease and trying to figure out where to put everything in a house you didn’t actually see beforehand (true story) can do this to a person.
Add to that letting people down that mean so very much to you and you get one discouraged person.
I sat at the computer working through my galleries for my new website that the fabulous ladies of Earl & Layne have been blowing me away with and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I hit my wall. I was convinced I just couldn’t do it. There were too many decisions. Too many changes I needed to make to my business. And too many fears to face.
I walked downstairs to avoid eye contact with my computer that seemed to be staring at me. And laughing.
As I walked down the steps, I had one of those moments. The “I need to stop everything because this next thought might change my life – God, I’m listening” moments. For a moment, I told the “I can’ts” to hush as I asked myself, “What if I told myself I could?”
It lingered. As did I – mid staircase.
What if – when I encounter something hard – I immediately say “I can do this.”
Even if I don’t yet believe it.
I decided to try it for a week.
I walked through the kitchen, “I can finish my website.”
I grabbed my coffee refill, “I can give my clients the experience I want to give them.”
I poured in the half-and-half, “I can be the mom my kids need.”
Tears started to well up . So.very.much of me didn’t believe a word I was saying. But in that moment, I vowed that I’d try it for a week. No more “I can’ts.” This week I would speak the words I would want to speak to my kids – over myself. The kind of words God writes about us.
I would love me. I would say the kind things that I needed to hear. I would speak words of belief into me.
I can be a consistent friend.
I can do hard things.
I am worthwhile.
I am worthy of love.
I am beautiful.
I am fun.
I bring out beauty in people.
I see the world in a way that needs to be shared.
I could finally see: I had never really loved myself. I was always waiting for someone else. Someone to come along and speak those words over me. To see that in me. To do whatever it took to bring it out in my life.
But it never worked. I couldn’t hear or accept any of those voices. When your mind is feeding you another story, you simply cannot accept truth. It was time to take God at His word and start speaking His truth over myself.
That week changed me. Sure… I did not always believe what I was saying. Some moments felt like what I was saying was the furthest thing from the truth. But I kept coming back to this: what if? What if I’m right? What if I believed it? Don’t I have enough people saying “I can’t”? Can’t I just let them take over my old role?
Maybe it’s time for us to speak the words of love over ourselves. Whether we believe them or not. And to then do so over those around us.
After all – what do you have to lose?
Added bonus: some adorable people I love.