on readiness…

“Are you ready for the kids to go back to school?”

In a word, no.

That’s why, over the past week, I haven’t really felt like talking and I seem kind of “off”.  (Which could be linked to also trying to quit caffeine – again.)  It’s why I just looked outside at the Buzz Lightyear water hose and felt my eyes get watery.  It’s why watching my son lose his first tooth this morning actually took my breath away.

I’m not ready.

Not at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I bought all the school supplies and the necessary shoes and such.  I made my kids help me put together a LUNCH SCHEDULE.  (I felt so accomplished over this.  Seriously.  This ADD mom has A LUNCH SCHEDULE.)  And I have turned in all the forms, prayed all the prayers and done all the things.

But I’m not ready.

I’ve asked the ready question all summer.  I’ve made lists of how to be READY.  But I’m not.

And today I decided that was okay.

Because the truth is when they handed that little baby to me 8 years ago in the hospital – I certainly did NOT feel ready.  When I took her home and realized we were actually DOING this and she was ours forever – I did not feel ready.  When she took her first steps, I did not feel ready.  When my “just in case” pregnancy test had 2 lines, I most certainly was not ready.  When I was told at the 20 week ultrasound that the little one in my womb was a BOY and not a girl – I was not ready.  (And I may have nearly hyperventilated because I had SEEN boys at the playground and was worn out by merely observing them.)  When my body had walked through the worst stages of Lyme and I found out I was pregnant – without maternity coverage I was NOT ready.  I could keep going, but the truth is I have never once been “ready” in my entire time of parenthood.

But I have showed up.

Clumsy, not put together, imperfect me has shown up.

I’m thinking for me – that’s all I can do.  For always.  And maybe, just maybe it’s better than being ready.

 

 

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