The truth?  I have a lot of days where it’s like I just showed up to the party  and I’m surrounded by people all wearing white.  But me?  I showed up in hot pink.

AWKWARD.

The ache rushed over me all morning sending me through a tizzy of questions.  Why don’t we seem to have community?  Why is my house never clean?  My kids are watching TV again… am I ruining their minds? Will I EVER get my pre-baby body back?  Are we just awful people because living in the inner-city hasn’t seemed to work for us?  Why do I not seem to have friends here?  (Other than one truly incredible friend, of course)  Is it wrong to be planning a move out to the suburbs?  Why can’t I seem to find a way to put my dreams into action of documenting the stories of orphans?  Do other moms of 3 little ones have real friendship and real conversations still?

I sat there and judged myself into oblivion.  Questioning every last part of me and making sure I felt quite inferior.

Until I stopped.  I decided to ask God to tell me what He wants for my life right now.  That list?

Enjoy your life.
Be loved.  Even (and especially) when you aren’t DOING “anything”.
Have fun.
Trust that I am at work.
Take in the simple.

Keep in mind I call people to different things.  So don’t look at your friend and think, “my goodness, I’m not doing life right because I’m not serving the poor and overlooked like her.”  Keep in mind that EVERY person matters to me.  There is no ranking system.  Look to me and let me show you where I want you to love and serve.  Then enjoy it.  Don’t judge it.

So here I go.  Into the life of diapers and a crying, word-deficient toddler, a little man who could run back and forth through our hallway ALL DAY LONG and a little lady with so much personality held inside a 7 year old body.  I will go.  I will see beauty.  I will place my eyes there – instead of  looking at everyone else’s life.  Because this before me?  Gift.

And this picture?  It’s just a tree I love.  At the top of a mountain.  It’s sprouting leaves now.  I visited it again just last week, so I know.  But I treasure this picture from the midst of winter when blooms and leaves seem like they will never come.  And yet, faithfully…every year – they do.