There are certain emails that stop your world.
This one did.
I kept reading the words over and over…pregnant…I started bleeding.
My heart sank. My lip quivered. My stomach turned.
It was all too familiar.
I ached for her. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to say with every confidence it was going to be okay. Even though I knew it was too early to tell. I wanted to walk through it for her. I wanted to keep her from facing the cold stirrups, the beige wall prison and the 2 week ultrasounds all to wonder every time if this little one had made it.
I looked over at my little boy and I cried. He’s actually here. He made it. He gave me every reason to believe he could never survive and yet there he was – smiling with his whole entire face. I thanked God again and again as I counted his toes and relished in the fact that he was here looking at me. So many friends have not been blessed in the same way. And I begged Him to take care of this little one brewing in my friend’s tummy.
I wrote words I knew couldn’t fix a blessed thing:
I remember that fear. That cold, terrifying place. And I wasn’t coming from a place of it having been reality. As I read what you’re walking through right now, my eyes filled with tears. Tears that know the agony your heart is in. Tears that wish I could walk through it for you. Just know I’m praying. Oh how you have my heart on this one. Sooooooo praying. I love you to pieces. If there is anything I can do….hilarious videos to send, chocolate to ship, an ear to listen – know that I’m in. 125%.
I looked into my little man’s face and I pleaded with God to let this little one be okay. That this little baby would have the opportunity to know the comfort of her arms. To be smothered in kisses. And to be another miracle baby.
And then I thanked Him. Words and tears fell intermingled amidst the navy/white stripe sheets. I thanked him with everything that I have that my little man is here. Smiling. Cooing. Stopping my world. Transforming me. Bringing me back to life. A life to the full. Even though…the truth be told, I was heartbroken when I found out I was pregnant.
I have no idea why God would be so gracious as to give me this amazing little boy. But he’s here. He made it. Somehow He saw in me the chutzpah to be a mom of 3.
So for any of you that have experienced loss, my heart grieves for you. I cannot imagine or fathom the painful road you have walked. The mere threat of such path broke me in such deep places. Oh how I pray that God would wrap you up in the biggest hug the universe can give. My heart goes out to you…125 %.
For those walking the road of the 2 week ultrasounds and the questions and the “did I do something wrong?” and the nerves and the doubt and the beige prison walls…my heart walks with you. 125%.
And for those of you facing life situations that threaten to drown you in a sea of grief, oh how I pray that God would give you hope. Crazy, beautiful, unblemished hope. That this is not the end. And yes, my heart goes out to you: 125%…
In the meantime, I’ll share a picture from a recent couples’ session that means the world to me. More from them later this week…